wild flower

So all this drama going on in my life.

I feel like there is a bunch of “broken pieces” in my life, but I firmly believe that when these pieces come back together again, they may not fit the way they were before, but they will now create a new reality-a positive, healthy one. A mosaic of old and new. There is a lot of brokeness (is that a word?) that needed to be broken even more. Like, dismantled even. I felt like such a coward letting “life” just happen. I feel like, yes, it’s going to be tough to endure this pain that seems self inflicted. (I was the one that initiated the change after all.) I’m having a hard time finding a “good” place in my being if that makes any sense. I’m not sure what to read, who to speak with, what to listen to, what to do, who to share space with. I’m all over the place. Running. Reading. Looking up old friends, finding new friends.

I’m so ashamed of my behavior. My true self. I think it’s time I learn to embrace the things my mom, my culture, me self make me feel so ashamed about. It’s me after all. It’s who I am, I have to quit engaging in this internal struggle. There is so much internal dialogue that ultimately belittles me. “Was my behavior bizarre? Did I royally eff up? Should I not have said that?” I don’t always question myself, but I do spend an unhealthy amount of time analyzing what the hell I’m about, Why I did what I did.

I love people, ideas, movements, passion, originality. I want to be appreciated for being as well. I have a desire for appreciation, approval and belonging. Sure I can blame the whole migrant kid thing. My mom moving around, chasing the seasonal agricultural work cycle. I never hung on to friends, never knew how to establish long term anything. I was always the new girl and I always feel like the new girl to this day. But really, how much more can I lean on that crutch. I need to approve of myself first. Now. It’s a different reality for me now. I need to quit blaming my thought process on old ass issues.

The love thing, I don’t know really. I don’t want to say I’m jaded, but I think I have a different understanding of it. Anyways, that’s an entirely separate post/topic/ramble.